I’m a big ball of emotions. I just have so much going on. Between work and family life…I’m really running in a million different directions.
I had visit this past weekend. He saw our little lady walk for the first time. We had an outdoor visit…and he was actually able to walk in the grass with her. Its the little things like that that truly warm my heart.
There we were…sitting at an old round picnic table…the babys in his lap and I’m staring off into space somewhere. Deep in thought. I commented on how depressing it was…being outside. I think he got a little hurt, and he said “why…i like it out here”. I realized what I said and explained myself. I told him that it was great, and beautiful outside but….I guess the brick walls, tall fences and barbed wire was a harsh reminder of where he’s at. Sometimes I think I just pass it by without extra thought…but when I stop to think….its truly sobering. He is in prison.
I let the emotion come and go…and finally zoned back in on my visit. It really WAS beautiful to be outside with him and the baby. To play in the grass. To just be normal.
Fast forward the time and were back inside.
Were having an amazing visit, but for some reason I’m drifted off again.
The baby is laid in his arms. Our big one year old baby. Comfortable, and feeling safe in Daddy’s arms. I wish I had a camera to capture that moment. I really do.
He sees the expression on my face and says “What are you thinking about”
Honestly…I didnt want to tell him. I didnt want to hurt him. Or ruin that moment.
He asked again, and I shook my head.
He responded with “its obviously something baby. Whats wrong”
My eyes welted up with tears and I blurted “I’m wondering how long our life has to be like this for.” There was a silence and I continued. “It’s been what? 4 years of this? We’ve been together 4 years and this has been the majority of our relationship”
The words he spoke next truly hit me to the core.
He always reassures me that “this is it”…but something about the look in his eye…something about the way he looks at the baby…and something about that moment really convinced me that everything is going to be okay.
My message to you all is this.
Pardon my blunt -and not so intellectual response- but…
this shit sucks.
Its truly does. This “road” is tough enough, but there is always bound to be some kind of bumps along the way. Whether its a parole denial, a non contact visit, a transfer 4 hours away… or even just an emotion…Our minds are deterred from the main picture. LOVE.
I wrote this to another lady just a little while ago….Amidst the chaos I hope you find solace in knowing you are far from alone.
Even the strongest of the strong gets a little weak at times. Its what you do in that moment that truly sets you apart from the rest.
My advice to you….You pick up your weak parts…and you make them strong
This is only temporary ladies.
No matter how bad it hurts…You strive on.
Because when its TRUE love…its always worth it.