Too much on the brain

Hey everyone,

I’m a big ball of emotions. I just have so much going on. Between work and family life…I’m really running in a million different directions.

I had visit this past weekend. He saw our little lady walk for the first time. We had an outdoor visit…and he was actually able to walk in the grass with her. Its the little things like that that truly warm my heart.

There we were…sitting at an old round picnic table…the babys in his lap and I’m staring off into space somewhere. Deep in thought. I commented on how depressing it was…being outside. I think he got a little hurt, and he said “why…i like it out here”. I realized what I said and explained myself. I told him that it was great, and beautiful outside but….I guess the brick walls, tall fences and barbed wire was a harsh reminder of where he’s at. Sometimes I think I just pass it by without extra thought…but when I stop to think….its truly sobering. He is in prison.

I let the emotion come and go…and finally zoned back in on my visit. It really WAS beautiful to be outside with him and the baby. To play in the grass. To just be normal.

 

Fast forward the time and were back inside.

Were having an amazing visit, but for some reason I’m drifted off again.

The baby is laid in his arms. Our big one year old baby. Comfortable, and feeling safe in Daddy’s arms. I wish I had a camera to capture that moment. I really do.

He sees the expression on my face and says “What are you thinking about”

Honestly…I didnt want to tell him. I didnt want to hurt him. Or ruin that moment.

He asked again, and I shook my head.

He responded with “its obviously something baby. Whats wrong”

My eyes welted up with tears and I blurted “I’m wondering how long our life has to be like this for.” There was a silence and I continued. “It’s been what? 4 years of this? We’ve been together 4 years and this has been the majority of our relationship”

The words he spoke next truly hit me to the core.

He always reassures me that “this is it”…but something about the look in his eye…something about the way he looks at the baby…and something about that moment really convinced me that everything is going to be okay.

My message to you all is this.

Pardon my blunt -and not so intellectual response- but…

this shit sucks.

Its truly does. This “road” is tough enough, but there is always bound to be some kind of bumps along the way. Whether its a parole denial, a non contact visit, a transfer 4 hours away… or even just an emotion…Our minds are deterred from the main picture. LOVE.

I wrote this to another lady just a little while ago….Amidst the chaos I hope you find solace in knowing you are far from alone.

Even the strongest of the strong gets a little weak at times. Its what you do in that moment that truly sets you apart from the rest.

My advice to you….You pick up your weak parts…and you make them strong

This is only temporary ladies.

No matter how bad it hurts…You strive on.

Because when its TRUE love…its always worth it.

 

http://youtu.be/GkpN3uiZ-Ew

Decided to give this a whirl

Hello everyone

I decided to make this, because my Instagram account seems to be helping others in my situation (@prisonwivesunited) I asked the ladies if they’d actually read and follow if I were to start a blog…so well…here I am.

This journey of mine started in 2008. Its crazy to think that its 5 years ago…Time really does fly when you look back on it.

I’ll take you back to the beginning. ;)

I met him when I was about 15 years old. We worked together at a local Subway. I was one of the ones to help train him. I always thought he was just too cute, but never acted on it…and of course i was “too young”..:P I used to tell him “youre so cute! your like a little bunny Foo Foo!”. He’d get all embarrassed. The name stuck. Still to this day I call him Foo Foo (Foof for short :P) and he will STILL get embarrassed LOL.

We remained friends throughout the years. No matter where life took him…he always kept in touch. Always. There was always something there…but he was just a friend.

I can honestly say he truly taught me my worth. I was in a shit hole relationship (back in 2008), and Foof truly helped me to understand how much MORE I deserve. He didnt do it with any ill intentions…and slowly but surely. I left the jerk.

To make a LONG story short…We started “talking” on a more than friend level. He was in a halfway house at the time, and would be out in 6 months…He ended up violating the terms of the halfway house, and he was kicked out. I told him not to run, and what did he do? He ran.

It wasn’t long until he was picked up on NEW charges. (Yeah…smart right? *rolls eyes* ) and was facing a 4 year prison term. I decided that everything happens for a reason… and that I would be there for him as a friend…but that was it. My motto was “everything happens for a reason” and “whats meant to be will always find its way”…and that was that. We continued to write…Everyday. Sometimes twice a day…and so our love story began.

The first year he was away…I continued to date other people. Yes my heart was with HIM…but I was 18..and STUPID. Its not my proudest moment, but a moment nontheless. He knew I was seeing other people, he just didnt know the extent of it. (Which later surfaced…and thats another story for another day ;) )

I decided to surprise visit him for his birthday. February of 2009. He had been locked up about 7 months or so. He was still in county at the time. We didnt even have phone calls back then. Only letters. I researched…and found that I would be allowed one fifteen minute NON CONTACT visit. Yep. Through the glass. I called up and explained that I was coming from out of state..and they were able to grant me an extension. I was allotted 2 fifteen minute NON CONTACT visits. Yep. A half an hour. So there I went on the 3 hr drive.

My friend drove me…we talked about him the whole way. Until she blurted out “It sounds like you love this guy…Do you love this guy?!”

And there I was. Stuck On Stupid.

I hadn’t even admitted it to MYSELF yet…let alone someone else!

I finally get to the facility…and I’m one big butterfly.

I get to chatting with the ladies in the waiting room, and they heard me say I came from NY.

One lady goes “Wow…you came all this way……He must be pretty special. You must really love this guy”

I smiled (and my guess is that I blushed) put my head down smiling and said “yeah…….”

He was BEYOND SURPRISED

I got some tears out of him.

The visit was absolutely beautiful. Words can’t even come CLOSE to describing the euphoric feeling.

It was THAT visit that made me realize…I really did love this man. Flaws and all.

We made it official August of 2009. I committed myself to that man fully…and I never looked back.

He finally came home August of 2011. The charges he initially ran from (scroll up) was SUPPOSED to be ran concurrent with the charges he just served.

Or so we thought. :(

We conceived our beautiful baby girl the day after he came home. She is our miracle baby.

I was about 5 months pregnant when they picked him back up, and said he still owed more time.

I did everything in my power to prove the sentences were run concurrent, and the time was already served. I faxed paperwork, and did way more than our public defender…

and still, they insisted it was not concurrent. We lacked the neccesary paperwork to prove our case…and away he went.

I was devastated. I still don’t know how I made it through that time. But. Love prevails, as it always does…

And here we are. Its June 11,2013 and were stronger than ever. Suuuure I have days I wanna reach through the phone and punch his lights out.. Suuuuure there are days he’d love to do the same. But we make it work. Because we love eachother.

We have a love people search a lifetime for, and I won’t give it up for anything in the world.

We have about a year and a half left…and thats not even counting parole. But we’re in it to win it ladies.

Have faith…and everything will work out. My good friend Tiffany used to always tell me…”trust in the faith of your love”

and that’s exactly what I do.

-prisonwivesunited

P.S. This is the song that started it all. He dedicated it to me back when I was oblivious to his feelings.

It still gives me butterflies.